The Road less Travelled.
As many of you prepare to walk across this stage and receive a college degree, I encourage everyone- for one second or two- to reflect on what it took to make it here. Think about the moment you set forth on your journey to acquire higher education with the hopes of making a difference all while achieving a nice salary, benefits you know the entire working grown up package. While you reflect I would like to share a story about a young girl who shared the same dream as you at one point before she realized her perspective was slightly off and distorted. I am an educator and community activist. And in my time working in both fields I have come across many people-yes I am young ( and some would say young enough to still be wet behind the ears) but I have to throw it out there that I have been a servant to my community since I was 15 years old. As i offer you all this young lady’s story I hope that you walk away with a new perspective. I am going jam as much of this young lady’s life into about 5 minutes of story telling - so bare with me. It was the commencement season of 2012, a year that symbolized one of completion. For after six years in her undergraduate program she was finally able to walk across the stage, one very similar to this one in fact. She was elated to finally say she was a college graduate. Not a first generation graduate, but the first in her family to have a received a degree post high school. The life plan of securing full time employment after graduation was not ready to formulate into a reality- the plan of working as an art teacher in the community didn't happen, right away. While the accolades of holding a bachelors degree was brag worthy the reality of her situation was she was a college graduate without the certification needed to actively pursue her chosen field. That left her between a rock and hard place… unable to fully acquire that working grown up package I mentioned earlier. Her life plan was already altered. As I continue and for this sake of this story let’s just call this young lady Margaret. Margaret always had the desire and dream to teach art. Coming from a family who believed and supported the arts it was REALLY, her life long dream to open her own arts community center - one that would be open for all young people, no matter how much or how little your family made. Yet somehow this dream always felt too big, so she became content in the idea of teaching art to the disadvantaged young people of our city. The dream of being a teacher was much more attainable if only she could pass that darn PRAXIS exam, but after about 5 or so failed attempts- even missing the mark by 1 point. The back up to her failed post bachelor’s degree life plan was to work in non-profit. Both dreams were deferred. Margaret was a young adult with gaining responsibilities also known as BILLS. Post graduation was real and an income was desperately needed so she applied to for a Public Ally internship. I can remember her explicitly telling me she was going to apply to this program and I remembered looking at her with this perplexed expression. I questioned, what is a public ally? Long story short it is a signature Americorps Ally Program that identifies diverse young adults and prepares them for leadership through paid full-time nonprofit apprenticeships and rigorous leadership trainings while working in the non profit sector. Their mission is to create a just and equitable society with diverse leadership to sustain it. Margaret spent ten months working under the leadership of an amazing community leader, ReDonna Rodgers. She worked tirelessly to promote youth entrepreneurship by developing a curriculum, teaching entrepreneurship skills to high school students across the city of Milwaukee all while re-evaluating what she wanted from her life. While she didn’t know what the future held for her career her time as a Public ally shaped her perspective on what the city needed for some of its most vulnerable populations. She also met amazing people and made life long connections that continue to shape her understanding to this day. Her exposure to this field opened her eyes, tremendously. But, it wasn’t long before Margaret realized yet another hurdle would be placed in her path, she was pregnant with her first child. In the moment of her realizing she was about to be a mother, all while completing an apprenticeship that would end right before her due date she undoubtedly realized that her life plan needed to re-evaluated- yet again. After successfully completing her internship, she studied for her PRAXIS exam- passed and secured her first working grown up job. In fact at 8 months pregnant she became the chartering art teacher at a brand new charter school whose emphasis was on art-infused education. She did it! She became the mother of a beautiful baby girl , successfully gained 1 year of teaching under her belt (and loved it) and decided this was the life she always dreamt off. She got comfortable. Her dreams were now achieved. But she still wasn’t happy. I remember during our bi-monthly meetings she would discuss how something was still missing. A large part of her felt empty. That dream of opening an arts center still hung over her like a dark cloud. She couldn’t stray away from it. Making art for herself was missing form her life. I encouraged Margaret to take a leap of faith and open her arts center. She followed my advice and 6 months later her and her best friend opened BlankSpace MKE. I proudly watched from the sideline as she and her best friend rallied their savings to create a safe (and affordable) place for urban creatives to come, network and create. After years of dreaming of this place and months of working behind the scenes her very own cooperative arts studio was opened. Built on the premise of collective economics this urban arts center provided invaluable resources, professional development and space to create. Her hard work created a platform that provided residences for 13 Milwaukee creatives to achieve their dreams of becoming an artist. I stand before you today telling you the business of this young girl to say this…. taking the road less traveled is ok- even if it wasn’t apart of the plan. You sometimes start a journey thinking you know how its going to end and often times the back up plan is a complete after thought. Margaret is actually me Symphony Swan- Margaret my late grandmother gave me the courage i needed to stand strong in the midst of adversity. She gave me the skills to remain positive even when times got rough. No matter what i did she always made sure i knew she was proud of me. I graduated with a Bachelors of fine art in 2012 with teacher certification today I will receive my masters in educational leadership. The original plan was go to college graduate in four years and get a job. The plan was to go right into teaching. Instead after graduating I worked 10 months in non profit and became a mom, I then gained my credentials and became a teacher. Shortly after that I opened my own art studio. While today is surely momentous occasion I want to remind you that having a plan for your life is great and encouraged- for it serves as a guide for us as we travel through life. However, I remind you to remember the possibility of the plan not happening as planned and to be open to the option of taking that more scenic route- the one less travelled. I was slightly naive to think my degree was the sure way to achieve grown up happiness. A long the way I forgot about the things that really mattered. I forgot how important the very community from which I come from and grew up wanting to serve is to me, I forgot about the different communities I served while working in non-profit and I surly forgot about the passion and love I hold for the school aged community. While the plan for my life after this degree is to one day become apart of a school’s administrative team I know my plan may not be the one destined for me. There just may be more experiences i need to experience prior to my next career move. Either way i can never allow myself to became consumed with solely the plan but preparing myself to be open for learning and becoming a better leader and educator. learning never stops. Reflection and meaningful daily affirmations have proven to be the best way to navigate and find some level of understanding with the idea of the road less traveled. Each hurdle in my life prepared me to be in a position to stand before you today. I am a community activist- I am aware of many issues that plague Milwaukee with access to resources to affect change thanks to my time with Public Allies, I am a art teacher- I am passionate and compassionate about the young people i teach every day. I am a mother- I learned what it means be selfless, I am a business owner- where we strive to create a community safe place. I don't think i would be able to say those things had my plan manifested directly after graduation. I go to work everyday grateful that I am allowed to stand before the very young people who will one day run this city. I do all of this with pride because I really love my city, and ALL the people who live here. My journey has provided me with the confirmation I needed to be ok with the road I’ve traveled on. I have persevered, experienced a lot and learned overall everything happens for a reason! I have learned that there are lessons to be learned when picking up the pieces after a failure or change in plans occurs- and this is ok!! As I prepare to close I leave you all with a charge. I charge you to re-evaluate that life plan and ask yourself are you prepared for the plan B. In my class room I always encourage my scholars to shift their mindset from “making a mistake” to taking that error and turning it into a “master piece” for the best things come from making mistakes. Life is about moving on, accepting changes and looking forward to what makes you stronger and more complete. I challenge you all to use your experience to fill the void. While we live in a great city, it is not without flaws. BlankSpace was created to fill the void of affordable art studio space on the North side of Milwaukee for urban creatives. Use our degrees, connections, passions to change Milwaukee. We need you in order to make this place even better. I congratulate each and everyone one of you who will be walking across this stage today. The hard work and dedication has paid off. No matter the journey- the fast or scene route all lead us here. Class of 2016!!!!
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Mother's day just passed 2 days ago. And while usually i try to dwell on things I find my idle thoughts being consumed with how my expectations weren't met on this day. It may be petty of me to feel the way I do but its how i feel and I'm owning that.
It's no secret that my daughter's father and I are not really close. We are still figuring out this co-parenting situation and frankly our relationship is null in void. While I was not expecting a card, or a trip to a restaurant to pretend we are this happy family. I WAS however expecting a simple text or phone call to acknowledge my work as the mother of his child. All day i anticipated this call/text and didn't get anything. So i reached with a text. "Hey, today is mother's day - just thought I would hear from you being that I am taking care of your daughter" no response. But a phone call later that implied he forgot, and that he was waiting for fathers day to actually give me some sort of acknowledgement. He waited for the laugh- but i didn't get the joke and just hung up. I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry and while i managed to keep from doing so physically, I know my soul cried. I stand strong for the rest of day and encourage the great energy my daughter had. She woke up in good spirits, let me dress her and comb her hair with no fussing and took a 2.5 hour nap! She was soo good to me. However post Mother's day I am still sad. I simply can not understand the rationale and behaviors that some people have and choose to do. But then this morning I read my home girl's blogs https://www.facebook.com/QueenBTheWriter and www.strongblackqueen.weebly.com I realized that I can no longer adjust my crown to accommodate others. So what he did not call me. So what he didn't text me. All of this is HIS lost. Not mine. Life goes on. As simple as that. LIFE GOES ON. And i can no longer hold myself accountable for someone else's lack of.... So to all the single mama's doing it on your own ( with the help of your tribe of course) HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. It's a vagina.
Not a cat, pocket book, purse, etc. A vagina. Yes, Marli knows the name of her vagina.She also knows that no one can touch and if, God forbid, they do she knows to scream and tell mama. On my way to work this morning I listened as the breakfast club hosted someone who spoke on healthy sexual relationship and development. Growing up i didn't not have conversations about my sexuality or sex except when it came down to just don't do it. As Marli gets older I surely intend on having healthy conversations about age appropriate sex education topics.Her body is scared and while it took me a while to learn and understand that...I want her to have a early start. What type of conversations are you having with your child?
I would be completely lying if i said i wasn't EMBARRASSED 2 days ago when my daughter checked me in front of all her daycare teachers and other patrons who happen to be in the building. Since announcing my pregnancy to her, her behavior has changed. Our potty training as lapsed for the worse. She's going through more diapers, she refuses to acknowledge herself as a big girl and has been aggressive with her peers. Not to mention her desires to talk smart to her teachers.
Who is this girl? First off, where is she getting this from? There is a fine line of supporting her sassy-ness and independence and having a respect for adults. I mean after all she's only 2.5 years old, i get it, but some stuff she just knows better. After a 10 minute discussion with her teacher I divert the conversation to her, before I could get into why hitting her friends was not nice she blurts (really screams) out.... " GET. OUT. OF. MY. FACE.... MOMMY" OH em GEE... I was so taken back because my daughter had never tested my gangsta like that before.... it took everything in me not to pop her back into 2016... cause clearly she thought she was in another lifetime... perhaps she thought she was Big Ma (my late grandmother)... in either case... I was so taken back that I laughed, Was it a nervous laugh, or ohhhhh girl you betta run laugh?! I don't know, what ever it was, her teachers knew to take her to the nearest corner and have baby conversation with her before mama came to her senses and snapped. -------- After the incident was over I went home and reflected. I realized the last couple of weeks have left me stressed and feeling " over it". I mean I just finished up my last graduate class, planning stuff with BlankSpace, my real job, baby daddy.... I knew that I had been very (overly) aggressive.Energy that may be rubbing off on her. Due to all comes with balancing a working, career driven artist mama, my disciplining has involved a lot more yelling without explanation of why.Short, snappy and to the point. I'm sure most times she's confused. My reflection in all of this includes, after watching her daycare teachers, talk to her like you would an older child. Marli gets it. Shes a smart girl. (SN: just this morning I almost fell after tripping on a toy and she told me to be careful. ) Im working on my patience. I am working on talking TO my daughter and NOT AT my daughter... I have to understand that my energy is transferable and if no one else is watching me... she is. I don't mind the sassy pants.... just let it be done right. There is no manual to this. I take day by day. . I was still embarrassed though. . CO-Parenting is something that I am still learning how to do. One would think after almost 3 years this would not even be a concern anymore...but unfortunately it is. There is piece of me that still hung on to the hope that my family could be pieced back together after having my daughter. But the reality of the situation is that we were never meant to be. ( what a hard realization to come to, especially with a second child on the way.) I can vividly remember seeing him for the first time 3 years ago. We were at a picnic celebrating his fraternity. He walked up with his LB and i was immediately blown away. His grace his walk his SMILE just blew me away. He was the most beautiful human I had ever seen. But early on the signs were there, i was in denial and continued to be motivated by the potential and not the reality. We had Marli- what a traumatic experience. I felt alone most of the pregnancy and even delivered her alone., yet deep down I just knew he loved me and that he needed time and blah blah blah. I was allowing him to skate on responsibility and not seeing, for face value, the kind of guy he was. We tried again, I never dreamed of being a single mom, I wanted a husband, But the reality is I am a single mom. While dealing with that my next hope was for my child to have a healthy relationship with her father... just as i did growing up. In the beginning Co-parenting was hard because I still wanted him. I still had desires of fixing all that went wrong. But as time as moved on I have come to realize that my peace of mind is much more important. I would rather my child see me less stressed, frustrated and sad then for her to see me miserable with a man ( her dad) who clearly did not want to be around. Time has healed the wounds of my heart. I truly loved this man, i mean if i didn't I wouldn't have had his child. He was ready to love me back. I totally accept that truth now. I am pregnant, again, the stress that he causes me simply from trying to coordinate a day care pick up or purchasing diapers is NOT worth my sanity. I'm at so much peace when i don have access to him. I need to keep it that way. So for the time being I need to separate myself, completely, from this man until hes pure existence doesn't annoy me. I am reclaiming my piece of peace. Lessons Learned: See a many for what he is, not what your dreams and his potentials are. When a man says he's not ready- believe him Your peace is important. Protect it.
Read the article listed below:
http://blavity.com/every-woman-needs-to-shave-her-head-least/
Then watch this...
The decision to cut my hair was one that had years of back and fourth thinking. But on New Year's eve 2013 I randomly decided i was not going to wait any longer. With my bestie Shunda we traveled to the barber just as they were closing to make this a real experience.
Please note I was pregnant and hormonal and ready for some new energy. My hair felt heavy and carried a lot of spiritual weight. As my body prepared to give birth to new life I felt like my hair needed new life too. After reading that article I must admit that shaving my head made me look at my reflection in such a way that made me re-introduce my self to my self. All my life I had a head full of hair. Long permed hair, long natural, big over the top afro, then long healthy locs. With no hair I had to begin to accept my beauty for what it really was. I would be lying if i said rocking a bald head immediately gave me freedom. It was an adjustment. The first being i took for granted how much our hair keeps our head room. In the middle of January I realized hats would become my best friend. lol There were days when I looked in the mirror and LOVED what I saw- short bald hair and all. Then there were other days when I refused to leave the house because i did not feel a feminine ounce of energy. Three years later and I am back on #teamlocs. Almost shoulder length hair I KNOW that if i ever get tired of it cutting my hair is nothing. Been there. Done that. Your perception of hair will change if and when you decided to do a big chop. While I an't promise the journey will be without its highs and lows I still very much so would encourage any woman to try it. #peace #queenegra #melanatedmama In early March I finally, after weeks of not taking my body seriously, decided to go the doctor to get many of my unanswered questions.... answered. Unanswered questions? wait let me start at the beginning! After giving birth to Marli I decided to enlist in some birth control. I did a little research and settled on the Mirena. If you are unfamiliar with this method, its basically a small contraption (that's shaped like your uterus) that fits in your uterus and administer hormones. Fortunately for me, this method completely ended all visits from the beloved Aunt Flo (your period). For 2 full years I did not receive a knock on the door from the aunt that we all hate to see coming but appreciate when she does. I mean she does cleanse our bodies and ensure that we are not pregnant - but the pain and uncomfortability ( is that a word?!) she brings to others is sometimes a force... Anyway, after getting the Mirena I stopped having periods.... For about a year and half I was totally cool with that. TOTALLY, but then in a strange sort of way I started to miss Aunt Flo... I realized how much she made me feel like a woman. I know that sounds weird, but see Aunt Flo was always good to me she came with no cramps and a light short cycle. Her and I were good. I schedule an appointment to get it removed in order to let my body "reset it self". I was told it would take a month, or 2, to get back regular. Lets stop here. That's the background in terms of my body. Simultaneously during all of this time my on again off again boo ( Marli's Dad) were TRYING to make it work... Building a family and all that good stuff. In saying that just let your imagination roll... Working it out sometimes meant sex. I mean like once or twice. Literally. This all happened. in November. Fast forward to March. I called into the doctor's like "Hey, it's March like 4 months have passed and I have yet to have a visit from Aunt Flo. Whats up with that?" I was instructed to come in. After blood work was taken I get a call stating my hCG levels were high and that I was positive for pregnancy! my thoughts: What WHAT?! Can't be, we used protection. It was only one time ( or 2) but for real. Naw, this ain't right. I insisted more test be ran so i come in three or so days later to get more blood work done. This time with the upmost sense of urgency I get a call that my hCG levels were really high and that I needed to come in right away to see what was going on. I leave work on my lunch break and rush to the doctor's office, I call in my bestie/soror a.k.a Marli's God Ma to join me for extra backup. My Doctor insisted that an ultrasound had to be taken. Both of us are nervous at this point- what if I was pregnant? If the thought wasn't real to me before in that pre moment of waiting for my name to be called in the ultrasound waiting room- it was real now. Inside the room I'm nervous. I inhale to prepare for this moment. I held my bestie's hand and prayed. The radiologist applied that jelly on my tummy and before she could put that instrument over it a #wholebaby appeared on the screen. A. #wholebaby. was. in. my.womb, straight kicking it and sucking his thumb. I cried instantly. Immediately consumed with fear and thoughts of how THIS was not apart of my PLAN. I got quiet and limb. I was really pregnant, not just gaining weight but PREGNANT!. Here all this time was thinking i was simply gaining weight. My gym bag was packed, I beginning to consistently work out...I had no early signs of being pregnant. I was use to having no periods, so even the idea of missing a period gave me no signs of the potential of being pregnant. It never came up as an option. I was really pregnant!!!!! The appointment carried on for about 30 more minutes. While I was still in shock I knew my life, again, had been changed. A new journey was/is ahead of me. A son. My SUN> was apart of me for almost 18 weeks. Almost half way through the process and I had NO idea. While I have accepted my reality it still doesn't stop the feelings of fear from taking over my thoughts. A working, career driven single mother of 2 babies- cause obviously we ain't working on it no more.... is a scary thought. But then i remember I have a solid village!!! When I was pregnant with Marli I thought I couldn't do it by myself, and I'm doing it! I know God's plan for my life clearly aint mines lol, however no matter what...He is coming and so it shall be (Ase) My Kingston Ase. @queeNegra |
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@iampumalagos AuthorIm the mama of Marli Amor and Kingston Ase. Archives
June 2020
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