Look at this picture.. Its absolutely stunning right?!. There is a sense of vulnerability here that I have not allowed myself to feel in years. The pregnancy of my son gave me the feeling of strength and beauty (something else I had not felt in years) and the courage to take this photo.
I feared being this open and free especially coming from a place of hurt. I feared rejection and judgment, To cope with what would soon become my new reality ( a single mother of 2) I knew i had to begin working on myself... and harder than I had ever done before. I begun to connect to the earth and realize that everything i needed to do this job was already given to me... this was no mistake. The making of this photo took lots of reflection and planning on the back end. I approached my soror and her husband with an idea for a maternity photo shoot. Within that conversation I expressed my nervousness about becoming a new mom again and wanted to express myself and my journey through photography. She heard me and styled three looks for the shoot. Her and her husband took my vision and created this masterpiece of a photo you see here- which is one of many. I was surely nervous and everything about this process took me out of my comfort zone. I also begin to fully understand the phrase... Energy can not be created nor destroyed, its simply transferred. This pregnancy taught me a lot about myself. I learned how to forgive.I learned how to not entertain negative energy and only acknowledge energy that made me feel good. I didn't always get it right and its still surely a learning process. However, I also learned how to open myself up for loving me again. With everything else going on in my life I realized that I was not the same woman... and that that was okay! Becoming pregnant with my son, my #wholebaby, was a surprise and totally unplanned. However, the universe knew I needed him to push along my healing journey. For three years there was a mixture of denial and acceptance of my broken heart and single motherhood journey, For three years I allowed another individual to dictate my happiness. I allowed this individual to transfer negative energy onto my life... So much so that I lost who I was. When I was pregnant I felt in overwhelming sense of peace. The reality of becoming a mom of 2 (on my own) gave me the courage to confront myself and to essentially say, "Girl, your deepest fear is not that YOU are inadequate. Your deepest fear is that you are POWERFUL beyond measure. It is YOUR light, not your darkness that frightens YOU. Ask yourself Who are you to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are you NOT to be? You are a child of GOD. Your playing small doesn't service the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people wont feel insecure around you!" My life has not gone the way I planned...but surely I am blessed none the less. I have 2 beautiful children and tribe/village that loves and supports me. My inner G is glowing and I am stronger and more powerful than I have ever felt.. I am beautiful. Im going into 2017 affirming all of the above. I am moving into the new year knowing that I am enough. whether you see it or not. I am worthy. I am dope. I am. Peace out 2016.... whaddup 2017!
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2016 in review
1. BlankSpace taught me a lot about business, collective economics and who is really on my team. 2. I had a wholebaby - my surprise baby. Kingston Ase 3. My style as an artist changed ... I can dig it! 4. My tribe(plus more) rode with me through the storm 5. My mother and daughter bond has never been stronger. She continues to teach me everyday. I love being a mama 6. I got my master's degree!!!!!!!! Phd coming soon 7. My daughter turned another year older, started school and just passing through these milestones- what a joy! 8. I invested in myself. Purchased a camera and expanded how I express my art 9. I had a #wholebaby it still amazes me that I didn't find out I was pregnant until I was 5 months this photo also marked the journey of @_tukam Traveling the world!" For a year 10. My daughters 3rd birthday reminded me that being a superhero is the bomb!!! Live freely without any care of judgment!!! 11. #creatingmemories with my children as we tackled the pumpkin farm!!! I have to get better at this!! 12. All in all this year had many highs and many lows... this tattoo is a constant reflection of how I plan use the past as the foundation for preparing for the future.The future is bright!!!! On this photo I was young, a college student, artist, designer, in shape, slim, care-free spirited woman. But for like 2 seconds I looked at this photo and wondered...If presented with an oportunity to go back to this place in time, would I. For a moment I said heck yea! But then realized how far I've come and shifted my response to a no... wanna know why? Well, This exact photo reminds me of the young girl I use to be ( but ultimately helped form who I am today). It reminded me of a lifestyle I once lived and enjoyed. You know the get up and go where ever you feel like it without lookig for a babysitter lifestye. LOL- This photo reminded me of all of that!!! Until I really looked at this photo and reflected. This girl had still had a lot of learning to do. I was so young, filled with endless amounts of energy. I thought I had life figured out... ( I still dont but yall The reality is I’m still young, but this time I KNOW GOD's plan will always trump mines..so living day by day makes room for me to appreciate what I have count my blessings. I remember everything about this photo, the event, the people I was with, the dude I loved at that time, the car I drove and where I lived. I remember planning for this event and not having anything to wear until I went to value village bought an old lady purple pant suit. I remember whipping out my sewing machine to transform those old lady pants to cute high waisted shorts. I remember running to Walmart to grab that shirt to go underneath the blazer. Hell even the purse was thrifted. I remember sitting with my girls til the wee hours of the morning laughing at some woman who literally wore a plastic bag to get into the hot tub...this was the night that i worked the room and smiled consistently for like 5 hours. I remember how happy I felt...which lead to me to then I remember how sometimes I miss the head space I was in!!! I miss my happiness. Do you see the glow beaming off of me?! I was a young college girl driven by her love for thrifting, art, her sorors, kicking it on the town and LIFE...I created my happiness in everything that i did. But life happens and things change. On this #TBT I look back at this photo in amazement of myself....I have come so far. And like wine I’m aging (for the better) with time. As 2016 prepares to end, I use this photo as a reminder that remember that while becoming a mother changed me in many ways... it also changed how I viewed my happiness. For a long time I put my happiness on hold to ensure my child ( and now children) were taken care of. I just now welcoming the space for myself to STILL be the fun loving, thrifting, upcycling, art making, spunky mama! One thing I noticed after looking at this photo was my smile... That smile was infectious, and looking back about three years or so. I don’t smile (this hard) as much. but thats about to change. I read a post from my girl this week that said Happiness is random. its created. I miss when I openly, unapologetically created my own happiness. I often get so wrapped up in mamahood that I forget to appeal to my what makes me happy. I neglect my own happiness for the sake of my children. But, if i want to get back to place where my energy reflects that which is in this photo... I have to remember self-care, and while since this picture real life has kicked in I have to realize that I am still Symphony. An indivisual who is simply beautifully complex! Now I am wiser. Curvier. older. a mama. teacher. community activist, artist, business owner... the list could go on...Im better. Different. But better For all the mamas out there who get those photos in your time hop that make you wish for that life again.. just remember that now you are wiser and exactly where you are supposed to be. peace. This week I had a melt down.
A probably long deserved melt down. new mom (again) of 2 doing it all alone See my relationship (or lack there of) with my children's dad has been worsening over the last few months. I would actually say that during the entire 2nd and 3rd trimester with my son we rarely saw one another... we rarely spoke to one another. I negatively reacted to very hurtful statements said by my children's father. I took to social media to react, It was childish, immature and petty but real nonetheless.., Im working on healing my heart from rejection and pain while raising 2 little people, working to advance my career and keeping up on my own personal self care. Forgiving the very person I loved with all my heart has been a very long, daunting process that in hind sight is changing me to become a better version of self. The last two days I have engaged myself with youth revival at church. The message dealt with "Who does God Say i am?" facing rejection and acceptance. Of course my homegirl invited me to present my testimony to the congregation. I was nervous. Getting nervous is usually not a characteristic of mine, after all I am a teacher! My testimony was filled with memories of dealing with rejection as a young person, and still dealing with rejection as an adult, Through the years I have been fortunate to NOT allow rejection stop me from growing. Instead Ive used rejection as a way to continuously become better versions of myself. Rejection has taught me to keep my head up ( even when my heart has been broken into a million pieces). Rejection continues to teach me how to forgive. Rejection has brought me closer to God. God continues to show me favor. God continues to accept me and all my flaws. I have come along way since September 26, 2012. When I met this man i instantly fell in love. He carried this energy and reflected this sort of light that I had never seen or felt before in a man. His smile lit up a room and turned everything into gold. At at that time in my life he was perfection personified. But then I noticed his flaws and thought I could change him. We have had our share of ups and downs especially with trying to figure out this co/parenting relationship. The idea of raising young children while probably still harboring some type of feelings toward one another has proven most difficult. After having my daughter my expectations of family were not met. My dreams of creating children within a loving devoted relationship fell short to the reality of raising a daughter as a single parent. My expectations of what type of father I envisioned for my daughter (and now children) have not been met. I wanted us to work. I wanted us to be family. It wasn't until I decided to accept look in the mirror and have that hard conversation with myself. Working to repair my heart I have spent the last year moving toward a head and heart space that allows me to love him regardless of his short comings. Im not all the way there but I'm further along today than I was 3 years ago. I want to be able to sit in the same room and not argue. Repairing my heart has not been the easiest job. I have built a strong network of other mamas who have called me out on my expectations of what a father/child relationships looks like. I received lots of advice on creating a clear channel of communication and through it all I have learned that at the end of the day the children and their well being come absolutely first. not how we feel as man and woman toward one another. I am learning that I have to allow their relationship to develop on his terms- I can not make him the dad i want him to be... no matter how hard I try. Which means that I must step aside and leave the door open for him to be thier dad.... What worries me often and keeps me hovering over with a watchful eye is the let down from disappointment. Through it all I have to be mindful and protect my daughter's heart.... even from her own father. The end goal is loving without conditions. The goal as co/parents includes cultivating a relationship between my children's father that exemplies love in its purest form... the love we must transfer to one another must be void of that romantic stuff and exist to only show our children they come first. Love prevails. And for me that is direction I am channeling my energy. My children need a father and I don't want to get in the way of that, love prevails. Love prevails. Love prevails. pray for my co/parenting strength. when my daughter was born in 2013 part of my birth plan included breastfeeding. I had no idea what that meant, or what it looked like...all i knew was that I wanted to try it. Im so grateful that i did. Fast forward 3 years and I am yet again honored to be nursing my son. We share some of the sweetest moments while nursing. I just love this little King!
My daughter is approaching 3 years old and to be honest it feels like so long ago. I tried to think about what I packed in my bag for her- but frankly my labor and delivery went so freakishly fast that I don't think I had a chance to even have a bag. This time around preparing for the arrival of my sun has been totally different. I am settled in my career and home and so now I have had more time to focus on bring baby home.
I have researched many perspectives of hospital bag checklists and have decided to come up with my own... While things may be added as I approached the 40 week mark...below are the essentials to the hospital and diaper bag check lists. I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and I have about half of each list completed for each bag. I am so excited to see his face, smell and hold him. For all my soon-to-be, first time and veteran mamas lets engage in a chat... What did you all include in your hospital bags? Cause I am sure my pregnancy brain has left something out????? Last night I attended a poetry set.
Something i have done in awhile. The opening writing prompt was your 3 word love affair. I wanted to participate, but hearing anything with love in it immediately made it difficult for me relate to. See, I'm healing, learning how to love again. I'm recreating the space in life to be lead by love, instead of fear. Only thing I could think of was 1.ninjas 2. Ain't 3.shit. Seriously. Deep down I know it ain't so. I adore black men, but right now all I can remember is how I also have been only hurt by them too. My opinion was received by the crowd, some understood my perspective others frowned up. (Insert Kanye shrug). What caught my eye and warmed my heart most was what happened after i left the stage and returned to my seat. 2 black men and 1 black woman approached me. The woman hugged me. No words, just reached in and hugged me. The men's response touched my heart. One simply said remember not all men, held my hand gazed into my eyes and smiled. The other have a side hug and said I apologize for all the men that hurt you. For a moment i felt lost and confused. I smiled through it and accepted their energy. I know there are good men out there. Ready to love and build family. Until he's ready for me, I'll continue working on me. #melanatedmama The day came and went just about as fast as it my time spent in grad school. On Sunday I graduated with my Masters of Science in Educational leadership. Through hard work and perserverance I was able to start and complete the task of graduate school. I couldn't be more proud. Long nights of reading, papers, research, presentations, coordinating study groups and childcare I now can add another degree to list. The joy I felt walking across that stage is indescribable. Putting that graduate hood on I know I beamed with pride. While the day was surely about marveling in my accomplishments. I couldn't help but reflect on all the people that assisted me, encouraged me and stood by side as I went through this process. I am so grateful for my tribe. For without them I would not have been able to make this far. Seriously. My mom, best friends, cohort peers, c0-workers... all the people that i love made sure I never gave up. Watching my daughter look up to me in amazement. Calling me beautiful. Telling me congratulations made all those sleepless nights worth it. To all the mama's out there who are contemplating on going back to school. GO!. Don't wait. Pull together your most reliable framily ( friend+family) and make it happen. the road to the doctorate begins in about 3-4 years. |
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@iampumalagos AuthorIm the mama of Marli Amor and Kingston Ase. Archives
June 2020
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