This week I had a melt down.
A probably long deserved melt down.
new mom (again) of 2 doing it all alone
See my relationship (or lack there of) with my children's dad has been worsening over the last few months. I would actually say that during the entire 2nd and 3rd trimester with my son we rarely saw one another... we rarely spoke to one another.
I negatively reacted to very hurtful statements said by my children's father. I took to social media to react, It was childish, immature and petty but real nonetheless..,
Im working on healing my heart from rejection and pain while raising 2 little people, working to advance my career and keeping up on my own personal self care. Forgiving the very person I loved with all my heart has been a very long, daunting process that in hind sight is changing me to become a better version of self.
The last two days I have engaged myself with youth revival at church. The message dealt with "Who does God Say i am?" facing rejection and acceptance. Of course my homegirl invited me to present my testimony to the congregation. I was nervous. Getting nervous is usually not a characteristic of mine, after all I am a teacher!
My testimony was filled with memories of dealing with rejection as a young person, and still dealing with rejection as an adult, Through the years I have been fortunate to NOT allow rejection stop me from growing. Instead Ive used rejection as a way to continuously become better versions of myself.
Rejection has taught me to keep my head up ( even when my heart has been broken into a million pieces). Rejection continues to teach me how to forgive.
Rejection has brought me closer to God.
God continues to show me favor. God continues to accept me and all my flaws.
I have come along way since September 26, 2012.
When I met this man i instantly fell in love. He carried this energy and reflected this sort of light that I had never seen or felt before in a man. His smile lit up a room and turned everything into gold. At at that time in my life he was perfection personified.
But then I noticed his flaws and thought I could change him.
We have had our share of ups and downs especially with trying to figure out this co/parenting relationship. The idea of raising young children while probably still harboring some type of feelings toward one another has proven most difficult. After having my daughter my expectations of family were not met. My dreams of creating children within a loving devoted relationship fell short to the reality of raising a daughter as a single parent.
My expectations of what type of father I envisioned for my daughter (and now children) have not been met. I wanted us to work. I wanted us to be family. It wasn't until I decided to accept look in the mirror and have that hard conversation with myself. Working to repair my heart I have spent the last year moving toward a head and heart space that allows me to love him regardless of his short comings. Im not all the way there but I'm further along today than I was 3 years ago. I want to be able to sit in the same room and not argue.
Repairing my heart has not been the easiest job.
I have built a strong network of other mamas who have called me out on my expectations of what a father/child relationships looks like. I received lots of advice on creating a clear channel of communication and through it all I have learned that at the end of the day the children and their well being come absolutely first. not how we feel as man and woman toward one another. I am learning that I have to allow their relationship to develop on his terms- I can not make him the dad i want him to be... no matter how hard I try. Which means that I must step aside and leave the door open for him to be thier dad....
What worries me often and keeps me hovering over with a watchful eye is the let down from disappointment. Through it all I have to be mindful and protect my daughter's heart.... even from her own father.
The end goal is loving without conditions.
The goal as co/parents includes cultivating a relationship between my children's father that exemplies love in its purest form... the love we must transfer to one another must be void of that romantic stuff and exist to only show our children they come first.
Love prevails. And for me that is direction I am channeling my energy.
My children need a father and I don't want to get in the way of that,
love prevails. Love prevails. Love prevails.
pray for my co/parenting strength.
Im the mama of Marli Amor and Kingston Ase.