On this photo I was young, a college student, artist, designer, in shape, slim, care-free spirited woman.
But for like 2 seconds I looked at this photo and wondered...If presented with an oportunity to go back to this place in time, would I. For a moment I said heck yea! But then realized how far I've come and shifted my response to a no... wanna know why? Well, This exact photo reminds me of the young girl I use to be ( but ultimately helped form who I am today). It reminded me of a lifestyle I once lived and enjoyed. You know the get up and go where ever you feel like it without lookig for a babysitter lifestye. LOL- This photo reminded me of all of that!!! Until I really looked at this photo and reflected. This girl had still had a lot of learning to do.
I was so young, filled with endless amounts of energy. I thought I had life figured out... ( I still dont but yall The reality is I’m still young, but this time I KNOW GOD's plan will always trump mines..so living day by day makes room for me to appreciate what I have count my blessings.
I remember everything about this photo, the event, the people I was with, the dude I loved at that time, the car I drove and where I lived. I remember planning for this event and not having anything to wear until I went to value village bought an old lady purple pant suit. I remember whipping out my sewing machine to transform those old lady pants to cute high waisted shorts. I remember running to Walmart to grab that shirt to go underneath the blazer. Hell even the purse was thrifted. I remember sitting with my girls til the wee hours of the morning laughing at some woman who literally wore a plastic bag to get into the hot tub...this was the night that i worked the room and smiled consistently for like 5 hours. I remember how happy I felt...which lead to me to then I remember how sometimes I miss the head space I was in!!! I miss my happiness. Do you see the glow beaming off of me?! I was a young college girl driven by her love for thrifting, art, her sorors, kicking it on the town and LIFE...I created my happiness in everything that i did.
But life happens and things change.
On this #TBT I look back at this photo in amazement of myself....I have come so far. And like wine I’m aging (for the better) with time.
As 2016 prepares to end, I use this photo as a reminder that remember that while becoming a mother changed me in many ways... it also changed how I viewed my happiness. For a long time I put my happiness on hold to ensure my child ( and now children) were taken care of. I just now welcoming the space for myself to STILL be the fun loving, thrifting, upcycling, art making, spunky mama! One thing I noticed after looking at this photo was my smile... That smile was infectious, and looking back about three years or so. I don’t smile (this hard) as much. but thats about to change.
I read a post from my girl this week that said Happiness is random. its created.
I miss when I openly, unapologetically created my own happiness. I often get so wrapped up in mamahood that I forget to appeal to my what makes me happy. I neglect my own happiness for the sake of my children. But, if i want to get back to place where my energy reflects that which is in this photo... I have to remember self-care, and while since this picture real life has kicked in I have to realize that I am still Symphony. An indivisual who is simply beautifully complex!
Now I am wiser. Curvier. older. a mama. teacher. community activist, artist, business owner... the list could go on...Im better. Different. But better
For all the mamas out there who get those photos in your time hop that make you wish for that life again.. just remember that now you are wiser and exactly where you are supposed to be.
I have come along way since September 26, 2012.
When I met this man i instantly fell in love. He carried this energy and reflected this sort of light that I had never seen or felt before in a man. His smile lit up a room and turned everything into gold. At at that time in my life he was perfection personified.
But then I noticed his flaws and thought I could change him.
We have had our share of ups and downs especially with trying to figure out this co/parenting relationship. The idea of raising young children while probably still harboring some type of feelings toward one another has proven most difficult. After having my daughter my expectations of family were not met. My dreams of creating children within a loving devoted relationship fell short to the reality of raising a daughter as a single parent.
My expectations of what type of father I envisioned for my daughter (and now children) have not been met. I wanted us to work. I wanted us to be family. It wasn't until I decided to accept look in the mirror and have that hard conversation with myself. Working to repair my heart I have spent the last year moving toward a head and heart space that allows me to love him regardless of his short comings. Im not all the way there but I'm further along today than I was 3 years ago. I want to be able to sit in the same room and not argue.
Repairing my heart has not been the easiest job.
I have built a strong network of other mamas who have called me out on my expectations of what a father/child relationships looks like. I received lots of advice on creating a clear channel of communication and through it all I have learned that at the end of the day the children and their well being come absolutely first. not how we feel as man and woman toward one another. I am learning that I have to allow their relationship to develop on his terms- I can not make him the dad i want him to be... no matter how hard I try. Which means that I must step aside and leave the door open for him to be thier dad....
What worries me often and keeps me hovering over with a watchful eye is the let down from disappointment. Through it all I have to be mindful and protect my daughter's heart.... even from her own father.
The end goal is loving without conditions.
The goal as co/parents includes cultivating a relationship between my children's father that exemplies love in its purest form... the love we must transfer to one another must be void of that romantic stuff and exist to only show our children they come first.
Love prevails. And for me that is direction I am channeling my energy.
My children need a father and I don't want to get in the way of that,
love prevails. Love prevails. Love prevails.
pray for my co/parenting strength.
My daughter is approaching 3 years old and to be honest it feels like so long ago. I tried to think about what I packed in my bag for her- but frankly my labor and delivery went so freakishly fast that I don't think I had a chance to even have a bag. This time around preparing for the arrival of my sun has been totally different. I am settled in my career and home and so now I have had more time to focus on bring baby home.
I have researched many perspectives of hospital bag checklists and have decided to come up with my own... While things may be added as I approached the 40 week mark...below are the essentials to the hospital and diaper bag check lists.
I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and I have about half of each list completed for each bag. I am so excited to see his face, smell and hold him.
For all my soon-to-be, first time and veteran mamas lets engage in a chat... What did you all include in your hospital bags? Cause I am sure my pregnancy brain has left something out?????
Im the mama of Marli Amor and Kingston Ase.