​It's a vagina.
Not a cat, pocket book, purse, etc.

A vagina.

Yes, Marli knows the name of her vagina.She also knows that no one can touch and if, God forbid, they do she knows to scream and tell mama.

On my way to work this morning I listened as the breakfast club hosted someone who spoke on healthy sexual relationship and development.
Growing up i didn't not have conversations about my sexuality or sex except when it came down to just don't do it.

As Marli gets older I surely intend on having healthy conversations about age appropriate sex education topics.Her body is scared and while it took me a while to learn and understand that...I want her to have a early start.

What type of conversations are you having with your child?

I would be completely lying if i said i wasn't EMBARRASSED 2 days ago when my daughter checked me in front of all her daycare teachers and other patrons who happen to be in the building.  Since announcing my pregnancy to her, her behavior has changed. Our potty training as lapsed for the worse. She's going through more diapers, she refuses to acknowledge herself as a big girl and has been aggressive with her peers. Not to mention her desires to talk smart to her teachers. 

Who is this girl?

First off, where is she getting this from?  There is a fine line of supporting her sassy-ness and independence and having a respect for adults. I mean after all she's only 2.5 years old, i get it, but some stuff she just knows better. After a 10 minute discussion with her teacher I divert the conversation to her, before I could get into why hitting her friends was not nice she blurts (really screams) out....

" GET. OUT. OF. MY. FACE.... MOMMY"


OH em GEE... I was so taken back because my daughter had never tested my gangsta like that before.... it took everything in me not to pop her back into 2016... cause clearly she thought she was in another lifetime... perhaps she thought she was Big Ma (my late grandmother)... in either case... I was so taken back that I laughed, Was it a nervous laugh, or ohhhhh girl you betta run laugh?! I don't know, what ever it was, her teachers knew to take her to the nearest corner and have baby conversation with her before mama came to her senses and snapped.

--------
After the incident was over I went home and reflected. I realized the last couple of weeks have left me stressed and feeling " over it". I mean I just finished up my last graduate class, planning stuff with BlankSpace, my real job, baby daddy.... I knew that  I had been very  (overly) aggressive.Energy that may be rubbing off on her.

Due to all comes with balancing a working, career driven artist mama, my disciplining has involved a lot more yelling without explanation of why.Short, snappy and to the point.  I'm sure most times she's confused. My reflection in all of this includes, after watching her daycare teachers, talk to her like you would an older child. Marli gets it. Shes a smart girl.    (SN: just this morning I almost fell after tripping on a toy and she told me to be careful. )

Im working on my patience. I am working on talking TO my daughter and NOT AT my daughter... I have to understand that my energy is transferable and if no one else is watching me... she is. 

I don't mind the sassy pants.... just let it be done right. 


There is no manual to this. I take day by day. . I was still embarrassed though. 
. 

CO-Parenting is something that I am still learning how to do. One would think after almost 3 years this would not even be a concern anymore...but unfortunately it is. There is piece of me that still hung on to the hope that my family could be pieced back together after having my daughter. But the reality of the situation is that we were never meant to be. ( what a hard realization to come to, especially with a second child on the way.) I can vividly remember seeing him for the first time 3 years ago. We were at a picnic celebrating his fraternity. He walked up with his LB and i was immediately blown away. His grace his walk his SMILE just blew me away. He was the most beautiful human I had ever seen. 
But early on the signs were there, i was in denial and continued to be motivated by the potential and not the reality. 

We had Marli- what a traumatic experience. I felt alone most of the pregnancy and even delivered her alone., yet deep down I just knew he loved me and that he needed time and blah blah blah. I was allowing him to skate on responsibility and not seeing, for face value, the kind of guy he was. 

We tried again, I never dreamed of being a single mom, I wanted a husband, But the reality is I am a single mom. While dealing with that my next hope was for my child to have a healthy relationship with her father... just as i did growing up. 

In the beginning Co-parenting was hard because I still wanted him. I still had desires of fixing all that went wrong. But as time as moved on I have come to realize that my peace of mind is much more important. I would rather my child see me less stressed, frustrated and sad then for her to see me miserable with a man ( her dad) who clearly did not want to be around. 

Time has healed the wounds of my heart. I truly loved this man, i mean if i didn't I wouldn't have had his child. He was ready to love me back. I totally accept that truth now.

I am pregnant, again, the stress that he causes me simply from trying to coordinate a day care pick up or purchasing diapers is NOT worth my sanity. I'm at so much peace when i don have access to him. I need to keep it that way. So for the time being I need to separate myself, completely, from this man until hes pure existence doesn't annoy me. 

I am reclaiming my piece of peace. 

Lessons Learned: See a many for what he is, not what your dreams and his potentials are. 
When a man says he's not ready- believe him
Your peace is important. Protect it. 

Read the article listed below: 

Then watch this... 

The decision to cut my hair was one that had years of back and fourth thinking. But on New Year's eve 2013 I randomly decided i was not going to wait any longer. With my bestie Shunda we traveled to the barber just as they were closing to make this a real experience.

​Please note I was pregnant and hormonal and ready for some new energy. My hair felt heavy and carried a lot of spiritual weight. As my body prepared to give birth to new life I felt like my hair needed new life too.

After reading that article I must admit that shaving my head made me look at my reflection in such a way that made me re-introduce my self to my self.  All my life I had a head full of hair. Long permed hair, long natural, big over the top afro, then long healthy locs. With no hair I had to begin to accept my beauty for what it really was. 

I would be lying if i said rocking a bald head immediately gave me freedom. It was an adjustment.  The first being i took for granted how much our hair keeps our head room. In the middle of January I realized hats would become my best friend. lol

There were days when I looked in the mirror and LOVED what I saw- short bald hair and all. Then there were other days when I refused to leave the house because i did not feel a feminine ounce of energy. 

Three years later and I am back on #teamlocs. Almost shoulder length hair I KNOW that if i ever get tired of it cutting my hair is nothing. Been there. Done that. 

Your perception of hair will change if and when you decided to do a big chop. While I an't promise the journey will be without its highs and lows I still very much so would encourage any woman to try it. 

#peace
#queenegra
​#melanatedmama