A COLLECTION OF THOUGHTS
I don’t celebrate holidays. My family only gets together maybe twice a year around Thanksgiving or Christmas…..and even those gatherings are cancelled on a regular. Whatever the reason, be it dysfunction or lack of financials, gift giving and merry times weren’t a frequent thing for me. Ever. Flash forward to adulthood, to motherhood, to wifehood and nothing has changed in that sense. My husband comes from a small family, the majority of his people live in Philly and his closest relatives live in Atlanta, so he doesn’t have much reason to indulge either. And you know what? I’m okay with that. We consider love and our definitions of the term to be more action based.
Love to me is making sure I am taking care of my mental, physical, spiritual and metaphysical being. That means making sure I am eating right, physically active and investing in my family in every way I can. Love to me is making sure I cook wholesome meals at least twice a day, homeschooling my son John-creating a curriculum based on his skill level and creating a creative space where he can be himself. I instill in my children the notion that they should create their own businesses instead of working a 9-5 that is geared towards making someone else filthy rich, my son John and daughter Queen will be creating their own cookie creation company pretty soon. Love to me is treating my son and daughter in law no different than my biological boys, because I have watched them grow up and have been blessed with the opportunity to love on them as I do my own. Love is choosing to breastfeed my youngest son Jrue and prepare his baby food using organic fruits and veggies. My youngest is 7 months old now, and I have been breast feeding him for 7 months. I wish I didn’t give up on breast feeding John when I did, but I am older and wiser. J Love to me is making sure my Husband’s needs and wants are met, being his best friend and supporting him in all of his endeavors.
Love is being able to grow with him, through thick and thin, good and bad, and being able to forgive him and myself for the mistakes we have made along our journey. Loving my husband is making sure his needs are met, physically, emotionally, mentally and every other way you can think of. We are by no means romantic. We have realized the small things mean more to us both than buying Teddy bears, and roses. We do surprise each other with gifts every now and again, but we don’t treat it as a priority. I’m more likely to bust it wide open coming home to a clean house than a diamond bracelet lowkey. A perfect date to me is having the kids go to a sitter, and he and I just chill at home, snuggled up on the couch watching movies or something.
Love is forgiveness, and it took me year to understand what that word actually meant. Forgiveness has allowed me to move forward in life. I forgive certain family members for the mental and physical abuse and neglect I endured as a child, I forgive certain so called friends who left me out to dry when I gave them my last so they could eat and feed their family, I forgive any and everyone who has ever done something bad to me, double crossed me or treated me in way that made me feel unwanted, hurt or less than a person. I use the word forgive in a present tense because it’s an ongoing process of evolution for me. For years I would hold onto ill feeling about folks just because of something they did. I would disassociate myself with family because I was harboring resentment in feeling that they should have treated me better, or done right by me. I had to let those negative energies go so I could move forward and live and be free. I no longer take other people’s actions personally. I let life pan out, and I accept people for who they are. It’s the best feeling in the world. Not only do I forgive other people, learning how to forgive myself is probably the hardest lesson I had to learn. I used to be so hard on myself about everything, the way I look, the way I spoke, the way I act, the way I think. I was teased and bullied all the way up through high school and I hated myself for it. I was never pretty enough to me, I was jealous of all the pretty girls, I wished I was as pretty as they were. Totally blind to personality traits, I thought looks were everything. I didn’t love myself at all. Me being so insecure caused rifts in all my relationships with other people, including my marriage. I tried to pray my insecurities away all of the time.
Thank God for growth. I learned how to love myself through the love shown to me by my children and husband. They never gave up on me, even when I was at the lowest point in my adult life. Self-love is an ongoing evolution for me, but I appreciate the journey. I realize my worth, the value I add to my family and to myself- personally and interpersonally. I am dope, I am amazing, I am strong, I am dynamic, I am eclectic. I am Jasmine and Jasmine is the shit! I can now say that at age 31, I am currently the happiest I have been thus far in my entire life. Love is deep…..ya feel me??
Im the mama of Marli Amor and Kingston Ase.